Single living - not single minded

I've been seeing a lot of cute and nice blogs or inspirational quotes or images about single life lately, but few of these seem to capture single life in a vocational sense. To me it seems there's a whole lot of "wait patiently for the right man" single life going around (hey, guys get frustrated about being single too - the friend zone is real!!!) It seems to me that there can be a single mindedness about single life - that it's just about not having a boyfriend or girlfriend. I beg to differ. But first, a quick review:

In the Church we talk about four "States of Life":

• Ordained (deacons, priests and bishops)
• Married
• Religious (or Consecrated; including nuns, sisters, brothers and other consecrated men and women)
• Single

It's the single that is the hardest to pin down, since it can be expressed in so many ways. So here's my short guide to living singly - but not single minded!

1. We all live the single vocation at some point in our lives

All of us spend some time being single by virtue of not being in one of the other States of Life. Call it "Consequential" or "Temporary" single life. The reasons for this time could be simply because you haven't been asked out yet, or because you're discerning one of the other vocations. Living singly isn't necessarily an intentional choice.

Interestingly, this includes people that are dating. In my own case, I consider myself living the single life even though I'm not "single". Though I am in a relationship, I'm not married yet, I haven't made that ultimate binding commitment to my partner. Yes, I am committed to her and to our relationship; but we haven't made the marital commitment to each other, so to expect that level of commitment of her other would be an unfair burden. Furthermore, a mark of marriage is that it is a free commitment of individuals to each other. To adopt a marital-level commitment to each other now would make marriage a progression, not a choice. I think this applies to any vocation: when we're discerning we still live the single life, because to adopt the commitments of another state of life binds the freedom we need to freely choose that vocation.

2. The single life can be an intentional short-term commitment

In my own life I've committed to being single for a time. This isn't "voluntary loneliness", rather its making one's life fully available to a purpose or a mission. For me this time was when I was serving with NET Ministries. The choice not to pursue a romantic relationship freed my attention to serve my teams and the youth we ministered to. It doesn't have to be a mission-related choice: I have friends who, because of different circumstances, just aren't ready for a relationship. They've made the choice to work on themselves first before sharing their life with another. 

3. Some people choose single life as a lifelong commitment

No, these aren't crazy people! These are people who have discerned that God calls them to a specifically different purpose than ordained or religious or married life. Being permanently single allows one to commit their whole life (time and resources) to serving God, the Church or others.

4. There's a difference between being alone and being lonely

The greatest fear that comes with single life is loneliness. Choosing the single life is not choosing loneliness, it's choosing to be alone. Being alone is a far different thing to being lonely. We see this in Jesus' life in the Gospels. He is constantly surrounded by people, but he also goes off to be alone. Realistically though, having time alone comes with all states of life: ordained and religious men and women obviously make this choice too, but even married couples will have time away from their partners. As a society we need to stop believing the negative connotations of being alone. 

5. Single life necessitates choice

At some point, living singly leads to a choice, whether it be to a relationship or to specifically discern the ordained or religious life or to remain single. "Consequential" single life isn't a permanent choice. When single life remains consequential then it becomes single mindedness, it becomes avoidance of any other possibility. Make the choice to be intentionally single or be open to the idea that God might be calling you to something other than what you're waiting for.

6. But while you are single, do something amazing!

For me, being single allowed me to travel across Australia, to live in different cities, to explore the priesthood and discover what I sense is my life purpose. For friends it has given them the space to resolve issues in their life allowing them to fully commit their life to someone else. The marital vows or the religious vows or the promises of ordination aren't burdensome - in fact I think they're freeing, but that's a whole 'nother article! Those commitments however are specific. Since single life remains so undefined (in a legislative sense), there are endless possibilities for how one can serve God, Church and the world while living singly.

As a vocation single life isn't the painful last alternative, not does it need to be ignored because its hard to define. Living singly is a reality we will all experience at least for a time. It's important that we seek to understand how God would call us to use those solitary times in our lives.

The right fit

Winter has begun and it's cold. So very, very cold. I wasn't ready for it to be this cold. Admittedly, I'm never ready for it to be cold. Maybe it's my Filipino genes, maybe it's my last name (Burns), maybe I'm just a wuss; but my body just doesn't cope with the cooler climates of winter. Disappointingly, my once reliable collection of old hoodies and my only pair of track pants (which was once part of my high school basketball warm up uniform) lacked the necessary warmth. Thus, I decided it was time to ditch the sentiment in favour of actually being warm.

So it was that I found myself in the menswear section of a store, searching for the right fit. It seemed I got to the "buy warm clothes" party about a week late, as I dug through messy mounds of winter wear. What began as an innocent search for new clothes quickly became a battle of comfort vs style: to what level of dagginess was I prepared to stoop to in my search for warmth?

However, in the end it became a search for something that would actually fit me. The process looked a bit like this: Adam picks up garment, Adam decides said garment meets warmth and/or style conditions, Adam tries on said garment, said garment does not fit Adam, process repeats. My usual clothes shopping routine is nowhere near this involved, however the rather diminished range of sizes forced me to actually try on each piece of clothing to check if the bigger or smaller size would still fit.

After an extended amount of time (certainly a longer period than I would normally have patience for) I lost all hope in this particular store and decided it was time to investigate another store (searching more than one store further indicates my desperation). As I cleared the menswear section, I spotted a clothes rack in the corner of my eye. Had I checked it already? I wasn't sure, but I decided to walk past it and give it a quick scan, not wanting to commit lest I be greeted by further disappointment. And there it was: a blue jumper, thick material, only minimally bogan-looking AND in the right size. It was too good to be true, so I double checked for any tears, holes or stains. It was good. Finally, I found the right fit.

My shopping experience somewhat resembles the vocational journey. Like my search for the right winter clothing, the discernment journey has many elements. When looking at ordained, religious, single or married life, one might ask: which option would best function for me? Which looks good? But then one might come to a point where they look beyond the aesthetic value and get to what we might call the "nitty gritty" vocation question: "is this where I fit?"

It's crucial that this process of "trying on" actually happens. Window shopping for a vocation will rarely lead to the conviction one needs to fully live God's call. I think part of this is seeing a vocation as a lifelong decision making process, not one decision made for life. That's why, for example, a man goes through a discernment and application process before they even go to the seminary, then spends almost seven years in formation before they become a priest. Similarly, before getting married a couple spend at least some time dating before they get engaged and undergo marriage prep before their wedding day. Regardless of which state of life we end up in, it's still a daily decision. Every day I have to make choices about who I am, I'm not automatically me. Likewise, every priest, nun, sister, brother, husband, wife and lay person has to choose how they live out their vocation regardless of which state of life they are in.

Additionally, it's not something we decide on our own. When my girlfriend noticed my new jumper (which I interpreted as approval), it was confirmation I had made the right choice...though now I'm realising she didn't actually say she liked it, she only asked if it was new! If we base our vocational decisions only on our own thoughts then we will only serve ourselves in our vocation. However, if God, family, friends, mentors, the Church and the community are involved in the discernment process, then the living out of that call will fundamentally involve them.

Finally, discernment isn't one size fits all. It took me numerous attempts at discerning priesthood before I realised it wasn't where I was called, whereas some of my mates knew they were called to marriage the moment they laid eyes on their now wives. The only way to know is to step into the store and try on the product. Or perhaps more accurately, to step out of ourselves and to find where we truly fit.

Get on with it

I just submitted my last essay for this semester at uni. Honestly, it has not been my favourite semester of study. Far from it. I was slow moving at the beginning, still carrying lethargy held over from the previous semester. I found that I couldn't get into the subject content. My timetable was inconvenient. And several work related trips and a holiday prevented me from getting to numerous classes. It was just a very random, very slow moving, odd sort of semester. Hence my excitement to have submitted this final essay.

That same staleness extended into my work life too. For a good portion of this year so far, a significant proportion of my work was accompanied by rolled eyes and groans of despair. Yet, when I look back on the beginning of this year, its hard to pinpoint just what went wrong for me. Sure, my year started of with an uncertain living situation and several other personal messes; but for the most part it has been business as usual.

It was only recently that the answer dawned on me. You see, 16 year old Adam decided he didn't want to "sell out". I wasn't going to play the games of what I saw to be a corporate-driven, resume-ic society, interested only in what you've done or what you can do, not in who you are. Part of my anarchic, rebellious, free-spirited attitude was born of big dreams. Most of it was underwritten by uncertainty of what I could actually do and a laziness to figure it out.

That led to a wild, free-wheeling adventure - at the least significantly wilder and more free-wheeling than a sixteen year old introverted homebody could imagine for himself. A real job or an education were the last things on my mind.

Fast forward to the first few months of this year and I found myself it what seemed like an unending game of catch ups with university and work. Sixteen year old Adam was raging inside of me in the form of disillusionment and impatience. It was all becoming too much like hard work and that big dreamer in me felt like the dream had died.

That's not where my head's at now. The last few months I wrestled with the seeming plain-ness of my lifestyle and somehow discovered my legacy in it. Ok, that's a dramatic leap, but somewhere within the mounds of assignments and paperwork I found myself taking responsibility for my life. Every word of that 1600 word essay or work-related email was a subconscious choice to be something more than an inspired thought. I'm not just studying or working for the sake of it.

See, that dream that sixteen year old Adam had was to make a difference in the world, and I thought that meant I had to be different. It's easy to be different by doing less - or being less. This year life did feel different because I was doing more: more work, more study then I ever had before. Doing more I hope will lead to being more. And being more is significant as my dreams become more specific. As a (nearly) twenty-five year old, (what feels to be like) nearly graduated, (relatively) somewhat experienced Church worker; starting a family and working a full-time job where I get to impact the community is more reality than a idea.

The point of all of this is that I grew disillusioned by a process. I think in wanting to make sense of our life and experiences, in valuing our call or vocation, we try to give meaning to everything in life. That's not realistic. There are things in life that don't carry the same weight as significant objectives, there are things in life that are simply processes. The processes still matter obviously - if I didn't care about my uni work I would fail my classes and what help would it be to me then? - but they don't have to be packed full of excitement.

As young people or as dreamers perhaps we look for that excitement everywhere and in everything. When we don't find it we grow disillusioned and lose sense of the bigger picture. In learning not to get bogged down in the processes, I grew in my self-knowledge. In just getting on with it I learned about the things I actually prioritise and I was able to get on with being about who I know I'm called to be.

Life is more than the processes. We shouldn't get so caught up in them we lose touch with the bigger picture.

Get yourself together

Honestly, sometimes I get "over it". The rush, that is, between work and uni and family life and social life and trying to make it all fit together.  Just recently I became keenly aware of how over it I really was. I was reminiscing about the good old days, of piling into a van with a team of fellow youth ministers and travelling around the country. At the time I took for granted the adventure: travelling from town to town, living out of a suitcase, interacting with all sorts of different people and seeing amazing sights and scenery. Now, often chained to a desk writing assignments or planning events, those days seem grand and fantastic.

Reminiscing morphed into daydreaming, and the question arose: is this the life I want for myself? Seventeen year old Adam would look at twenty-four year old Adam and tell him he sold out. He bought into the expectations of society, into a perceived definition of success. Seventeen year old Adam didn't want to work out of an office and didn't want to study for the sake of getting a piece of paper. I began fantasizing about how I could escape the work grind, about how I could recapture that sense of adventure in my life.

The grass looks greener on the other side; and look, I do love my job and I do enjoy learning and I do have good friends and relationships....but, in times of struggle or challenge, my mind often drifts to the "what if" instead of "what is". I see this time of my life as a sort of transition period between the adventures of my youth and growing up, getting married and starting a family. Instead of embracing this time, I can take the easy way out and imagine how life would be if certain aspects of my past were different, or I let my mind run away into fantasies of the future.

This way of thinking prevents us from life to the full. It prevents us from ever understanding how God can be a part of our life and how our life can be a part of something bigger. In your own life, when confronted with a decision or problem or trial, have you gone to the "what if?" question? Or when you're unsettled or discontent, do you let your mind jump ahead five or ten years to the "what should be?" and determine that future life is better than the present?

That "what if?" or "what should be?" question manifests into a whingeing and complaining, something which my girlfriend found annoying. She very sternly told me to "get myself together". I've heard those words before, but this time they carried greater meaning. Work, uni, relationships: they're all parts of my life but I was letting them dictate me. To "get myself together" meant reigning these things back in and not allowing them to be burdens.

That's the obvious part, the real revelation for me was this: God's call is to pull yourself together. We illustrate vocation as God's call, but often it's not an audible voice (though this is not impossible). Practically listening to God's call involves being attentive to all the parts of one's life: gifts, passions, experiences, family, friends, community, faith, work, study, etc. Discernment requires one to pull these things together, to be attentive to what they mean and to determine how these can form a life journey which serves God, Church and the world.

In this context vocation isn't a future decision, nor is it a past once-off decision. It's being present to God's call now. For me, the challenge is that I don't feel called to be stuck at a desk or making endless contact calls or with my head stuck in the books. Pulling myself together meant acknowledging that I need to do the work in order to do the things I do feel called to. Discernment is that awareness to align the different parts of my life with how I understand God's call. That's something I'll do everyday of my life, not just when I was an adventurous youth minister, nor just when I'm married and starting a family.

We use many concepts, categories and images to explain vocation; put simply, it is response. God calls us and our response is to pull together our life so that we may respond with our whole self to that call. That might seem oversimplified, but sometimes we need the simple when life feels complicated. In those times, rather than getting over it, we need to get with it; it being the reality of God in our lives.

Filling Time

It's that time of year folks. People are graduating from high school or uni, finishing up work commitments or just coming to the end of another long and winding year. I know the feeling. All my exams are finished, things are winding down at work, holidays are now looming. All of which is a massive relief...at least until next year. All I can do is stare blankly, shrug my shoulders and sigh as I watch my 2015 calendar quickly fill up while the realisation dawns that next year is going to be MASSIVE! This time of finishing, be it school or work, is crucial. The way that we collate, review and evaluate our experiences and learnings directly effects the way that we respond in the future.

What I really want to do is go for a drive. I want to hop into my car and just hit the road. I can imagine it now: windows down, wind rushing through my car, ruffling my hair. My favourite playlist playing, I would be drumming along on the steering wheel, singing like no one is watching (and probably drawing funny looks from other motorists). I would drive winding roads which dance their way through green, rolling hills. The smell of country air would refresh my worn soul. The destination would be unclear, but the journey would clear my head. Nice picture, right?

That might all sound like some sort of fantastical escapism; and I think in our entertainment driven world of screens (phones, laptops, tvs) it's really easy to bury ourselves away in a world of fantasy. Many times I have found myself with assignment deadlines and work projects encroaching my free head space, choosing to self-medicated with hours of youtube, facebook and itunes.

It's easy to escape when we should instead be engaged. But then, when things have settled and there are no deadlines, there is suddenly way, way too much time to waste on youtube, facebook or itunes. I think as young people we too quickly fill our time up with stuff and things, we don't actually use time when we have it.

Perhaps instead of filling time we need to let time fill us up, to spend time rather than waste it. That's why I'm going to go for a drive. Clear my head, get away from the constructs of humanity and get to somewhere where I can appreciate some of God's good nature. I yearn to take some time to appreciate: appreciate the year that's been, appreciate all the comings and going, the ups and the downs and to rekindle my hopes and dreams with renewed optimism.

Many of us will be making some sort of life decisions as we approach the New Year. It's important that as we make those decisions we're intentional with how we use our time. Be intentional and use this time to pause, to reflect and to engage with the questions: where am I going, what am I doing, who am I? Time might take you on a random drive or to a coffee shop, wherever it takes you embrace the seclusion, empty yourself and allow some time for God to speak to you.

Things I wish I knew when I finished Year 12

Dear Year 12 friends,

Over the last few years we've visited and shared with many of you and we're uber excited for you as you finish school this week. All of us here at Vocations Brisbane put our heads together and came up with some things we wanted to tell you as you begin the next chapter of your lives, things we wish we had heard when we finished Year 12:

• make good decisions
• do the right thing
• make peace with your parents
• talk to Jesus when you drive, no road rage
• know your rights and obligations
• if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got
• your mistakes don't define you unless you choose for them to. It's a choice to live and learn with your past.
• at the bare minimum, your mum gave birth to you - it won't hurt you as much to call her once a week
• live the moments that mean the most to you - not your instagram followers
• respect is earned regardless of how old you are
• uni/tafe/work are not always going to be fun, you got to work hard to live the life you're passionate about
• you don't need to know your full life path at this moment

Honestly, I wish someone had told me life wasn't like fairytales or hollywood productions. That might seem obvious, we don't walk around to epic sound tracks with dramatic special effects accompanying each moment. What I mean is life isn't scripted. At least not like it is on tv or movies. All those points above are about navigating through life's unexpected twists and turns, about making some sense of it all. Because the reality is there is a point to life. A very big point. Sometimes though he messiness of life can cover that point up, distract us from it or even turn us right off it. And that my friends is the point: everyone in this life has mess that they have to burden or deal with or try to make sense of.

Vocation is the call to sort not just your own mess, but to help others with their mess in the midst of your own. We can spend our whole lives figuring out how we're meant to do that. I think I speak for all of us here at Vocations Brisbane in saying that it's worth it. It is worth it. It is worth questioning and searching and seeking and offering your life - as messy as it might be - to help others sort their mess.

And honestly, at the end of the day is doesn't even matter how that looks. It doesn't matter what job or occupation or training or vocation you have in life. Just that you do it. Just that you are generous with your own powerful, yet messy life. And that might seem a little bit scary - that's because it is. As we have visited and shared with you we have encountered your creativity, your ambition, your passion and your giftedness. You might not feel ready for the world yet and that's ok, the world probably isn't ready for you yet either! We believe in you and we're praying for you all. Remember we have a big God and that God is love, so when things get scary always remember there's a lot of love for you. 

Much love and prayers,

the Vocations Brisbane team 

The Past Presents the Future

The past. For some of us the past is "the glory days", a time in our life we're not ready to let go of yet. For others the past is full of regret and "skeletons in the closet". Yet all of us carry the past with us throughout our lives and it contributes to many of our life choices. I think it's crucial to have a healthy relationship with our past, but determining exactly what that looks like requires us to deal with what our past may be.

The "Glory Days" Past
Here I'm not talking about that annoying friend who bores everyone to sleep every time they re-hash old tales. Rather, I'm talking about being so immersed in your past that you're absent from the present.

Let me tell you a story. When I finished school I embarked on several years of missionary work which took me all across Australia. I was living the ultimate gap-year(s) adventure! Life was fast paced, full of unknowns and mysteries. Yet, when I returned home it felt like everyone and everything were living in slow motion. Life became predictable again. I quickly became disenchanted with study and family and work; to the point where I became disengaged with it all.

Life has adventures, journeys and good times. It also has mundane, everyday, chore-ish sort of stuff too. Here's the thing: all of it, both the adventures and the mundane, all of it has fruit. So as boring as study might be, as testing as family relationships can get or as frustrating as working can become: you miss the value of all these things if you write them off. Live the mundane, as well as the adventures.

The "Skeleton in the Closet" Past
We all have secrets. We all have things that we're embarrassed about, or hurt from or ashamed of. And we'd be petrified if anyone ever found out. Sometimes we can glaze over these moments and pretend like they never happened.

For a long time in my life I thought I was going to be a priest. I thought for certain that was what I was meant to do with my life. And I wasn't shy about telling people that either! So you can imagine the embarrassment I felt when I left the seminary. It wasn't a negative experience, but I felt ashamed that I couldn't complete the training and I felt like I let so many people down. These feelings proceeded to hound me, to the point where I forgot the original reason why I left the seminary in the first place (God was calling me elsewhere) and I glazed over the whole experience. Over the years that followed I was bugged by the question: should I or shouldn't I go back? It took me years to find peace.

There's the cliche line that we need to learn from our past. Well yes, but there's more to dealing with our past. I believe we need to make decisions about our past in order to make decisions about our future. What do I mean? I needed to look back at my seminary experience and say "ok, so I thought I was going to be a priest; now I'm not." It seems simple enough, but saying that to myself has given me the freedom to move on with my life, to commit to a relationship to my job and to study. It's important to name and own the "skeletons in the closet", to lay them to rest rather than burying them deep in the recesses of our mind.

I think a healthy relationship with the past is one where I carry my experiences into my present. The alternative is to be constantly dragged back into the past, to re-live grand experiences or to mull over hurts and regrets.  We need to make decisions about our past to make decisions about our future. Yes, your past is a part of you; so don't leave your past behind! Make peace with your past and allow God to use it to direct you to your future.

Do You Relate?

In my job I throw the word discernment around a lot; and I've started to catch myself rolling my eyes every time I do. It's like I've become tired of the word. Perhaps maybe we have lessened the value of what discernment is actually about. I think maybe we are operating with a poor caricature of what a true and authentic search for God actually entails. 

So, here I want to share what I think discernment really is about. And ultimately what I think it comes down to is relationships. The two most important commandments are to love God with all your heart, mind and soul; and to love others as you love yourself. The Christian faith is about relationship: with God, with self and with others. Being in touch with those relationships is how we discern.

Relationship with self

We've all heard a thousand times over that each of us is uniquely gifted and that we're called to share those gifts. We are. But knowledge of self has to be more than knowing what I'm good at. I'm good at spinning a basketball on my finger, but spinning basketballs is not my vocation. 

So what's the deeper level? I think that at the depths of who we are God has implanted passions and desires. Those are dangerous words because our society uses them loosely and often. I'm not talking about things you like. I like chocolate (a lot!), but I don't think God would call me to eat chocolate every day for the rest of my life (I am open to God correcting me though!). 

I think the key to understanding our gifts and our passions is how we relate them back to God and others: i.e. what are the gifts God has given me that I'm most passionate about sharing for God/with others? The act of knowing oneself is not about navel gazing or looking in on oneself. I think it's more about looking at your reflection in a mirror: the mirror doesn't just reflect back your image, but everything and everyone surrounding you. This is how we are meant to understand our inner self - in relation to God and to our community.

Relationship with others

This naturally leads to reflecting on the needs of our community. It's obvious that both our Church are our wider global community are in need of young, passionate, engaged leaders. At a local level we might be able to identify some immediate needs. Responding to the needs of our community is part and parcel of being a Christian.

Relating to others implies three things: dialogue, listening and responding. As a young person it can often be bewildering to find a practical way to engage in the world; so my advice is to ask. Ask for a job, ask if you can help, actually physically ask people in your community if there is something you can do. People often have needs, but they often wait for someone to offer help before asking for it. 

It's also important to stop and listen. Vocation isn't discerned in a vacuum, and often those people that we trust the most will point out things about us we haven't already realised ourselves. Family, friends, teachers, mentors, co-workers: these are people who can offer an objective viewpoint and exterior wisdom to the discernment journey.

And I think in a world that is so fast paced and ever-changing, people long for commitment. The way that we relate to other, the way that we act in our community needs to be marked with commitment. If not then the people we serve simply become a feel-good task we can tick off our list of accomplishments. I think we are called to authentically engage in our Church and in our world.

Relationship with God

The Bible is full of images of God's voice leading, prompting and calling people...Why is it not the same for us? I think the "fast food" mentality is rampant throughout our society: glaring signs, multitudes of options and immediate provision. This mentality tempts us to settle for less, while our too-hard basket fills up. How easy is it to do the same with God?

The reality is that sometimes God's call is obvious...but a lot of the time it's not. Yet if we are to discover and live a calling prayer is vital. It's impossible to hear God's call without consulting God about that call. Asking God the question "where are you calling me?" is a very dangerous thing; dangerous because God will answer that question.

The answer might take the form of "signs" in our lives. I don't mean Moses-like signs of parting seas, but God's presence in the very realities of our life: through the words of those around us, through a change of circumstances, through a passion or deeply rooted sense of peace - God's call comes in many ways but is always present in our lives.

Why does this all matter? Isn't discernment only for those who are thinking about priesthood or religious life, or who take relationships too seriously? I think we need to stop talking about discernment as some sort of analytic process; discernment isn't just a process, it's life. Discerning is living: as we go through life and all it's different circumstances, as we live with others and as we seek God in the midst of all of that; we necessarily have to make decisions. The level to which we discern those decisions is the reflection of how authentically we are living out God's call. What is all comes back to is that God has a far bigger and far better plan for our world than what we're currently living in. We need to stop selling ourselves and our world short. 

Stuck in my head

Have you ever had the experience of someone getting something stuck in your head? Yesterday morning someone mentioned to me that they had potato gems for dinner. Immediately I began fantasising about potato gems: the crunch, the grease, the burning sensation from being too impatient to let them cool - potato gems are pure eating bliss! Even now, twenty four hours later, I still have a craving for potato gems!

But it's not just with food. On Sunday night my girlfriend's mother mentioned her favourite song. Everyday since then I've had that song stuck in my head: when I'm in the car it will no doubt come on the radio, or I catch my self humming the melody. It happens to me all the time: someone will mention a food or a song or a movie; and I'll spend the following minutes, hours, even days with it stuck in my head.

It's not just food or music that gets stuck in our heads though. I still remember back in Year 11 my Business teacher saying he couldn't picture me working in health care. Ever since then I have always thought that I couldn't work in health care.

Many vocations have been born out a comment or a question that has planted a thought in someone's head. Many priests and seminarians would say they pursued the vocation to priesthood because someone asked them if they'd ever thought about being a priest. Since I left the seminary many people have admitted to me that they couldn't see me becoming a priest; which has been a real confirmation of the journey I feel God is leading me on.

Words are powerful things, especially when they are spoken and spoken by people whom we trust or admire. There's no doubt in my mind that God could use such words to lead someone in their faith journey. So there's two challenges here for us:

1) To have the courage to speak such words. You might notice a gift or a talent or a passion in a friend, sibling, even a random at school or work. A word of encouragement or affirmation could lead to that person discovering the purpose God has placed in their life. It doesn't have to be big or prophetic, it could be something as simple as "hey, I noticed you're pretty good at ____/passionate about _____; have you ever thought of doing something with that?" Discernment isn't just about discerning your own vocation, but helping others discern their calling too.

2) To have the courage to accept such words. We often find it uncomfortable to have someone affirm our gifts, and it can be hard to accept such encouragement. The "tall poppy syndrome" which pervades our society tempts us not to stand out. If someone you really trust or admire points out a gift or talent or passion - follow it! As I said, there's no doubt in my mind that God speaks meaning and purpose to us through the words of those whom we really trust and admire. Sometimes though it may not be straightforward or even make sense to follow their advice, so there's a bit of risk involved. But affirmation, challenge or encouragement that is spoken sincerely will often point to the truth of who we are as human beings.

Really, the point I'm trying to make is that God does speak to us; and when someone's words get stuck in your head, they're probably stuck there for good reason. We need to listen carefully to how our vocation unfolds through our daily experiences. And we need to have the courage to take up the invitation to uncover the fullness of who we have been created to be.

Shirts and stripes

Last week I had a small dilemma and I took to Facebook to find an answer. I couldn't tell if this shirt was pink with white stripes or white with pink stripes:

Why is this such a pressing question for me you ask? Partly because I'd held out so long against the "pink tide" flooding through menswear stores over the last few years. However, this isn't simply an issue of shirt colours, this is an issue of perspective. It’s a familiar question: is the glass half full or half empty, is this issue black or white?

Too often though we can’t decide between one or the other and so we settle with the grey matter. But as one wise man once told me: between black and white isn't grey matter, between black and white is actually every colour in the spectrum...........Deep.

I don’t believe that God created the world to be one thing or the other. I can’t believe that. Everything within me tells me that for the world to be created it must have been created by someone pretty darn amazing, and that they wouldn't have cut corners either. Such a God and such a world couldn't be boxed in as black or white, half full or half empty.  As I look around at the world my senses are enchanted by a dynamism far more complicated than just black or white.

If I live in such a world that presents so many options, how can I make decisions based on black or white? How can I live in ignorance of all the teals, the African purples, the banana yellows and blanched almonds (list courtesy of Wikipedia, I had no idea there were so many colours!) that surround me in life?

Perspective: it’s a game changer, and if we are real about making a difference in the world than we can’t simply look at the world as black or white. Is my shirt pink with white stripes or white with pink stripes? Actually, it’s a piece of clothing that I’m able to wear to work when elsewhere in this world there are people that have neither clothing or employment. Is the world black and white, or is it a realm full of possibility that's awaiting transformation? I don't know about you, but I'll choose not to be colour blind.

Untold Stories

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you."

 -Maya Angelou

When I was a child, my Grandmother and I would regularly visit the library, borrow a ton of books and we would spend hours together reading stories. I'm sure I frustrated my Grandmother though because often I wasn't content with just reading the stories, but telling many of my own stories as we went along! 

Kids are funny like that, right? Between the ages of about 4-12 children seem to think that they must tell you everything, as if every story they have to tell contains crucial information for the rest of their existence and if they don't tell you they will spontaneously combust!

Somewhere along the line though, societal expectations choke out the imagination of story telling. Life becomes less about the narrative and more about checklists. My life over the last few years has become about a checklist: get a car, get a degree, get a girlfriend, travel, get a promotion; pretty much my life became about fleshing out my resume or list of achievements. But when you're confronted with decisions about where you're going next, tick boxes and achievements are little help. There needs to be a deeper consciousness of the story God is leading you through.

I often tell the story that when I went to the seminary to train to become a priest, I would feel an urging or a prompting to go a different direction in life. In faith-speak we'd say that it was the Holy Spirit leading me. But even that can sound a bit ambiguous, and it didn't really explain fully what was going on within me. Then I read the above quote from Maya Angelou, and I think it articulates what was going on in me. For me, as I underwent my formation and training for the priesthood, I had this sense from God that there was an untold story within me.

Let me make this very clear though: it wasn't about wanting to have a girlfriend, or wanting to do normal things like other 19/20 year olds, and it wasn't about needing to get more life experience before I became a priest; it was a calling to engage a story I needed to tell. That story included two years of youth ministry and now one and a half years with the Vocations office. I didn't go back to the seminary to continue my formation for priesthood (it's important to note that many men do leave and return later in life); but I can start to see how the pieces of my past fit together and it helps me to understand where I'm going in the future.

The whole "you have a story to tell" thing gets a bit old, I know. But whichever phrase you want to use - story, calling, destiny, purpose, life, whatever - you have it and its beautiful and powerful and unique; and you will never know it unless you engage in it. And leaving that story untold isn't just your loss; for God would use that story to impact on the world and on the Church. Don't leave your story untold, it is mysteriously necessary to the community of humanity.

In God's time

When I discerned God wasn't calling me to be a priest and I withdrew from formation at the seminary, I'd established a plan for my life. My top priority was finding a wife. ASAP! Over the course of the next three years I found myself volunteering as a youth minister, travelling around Australia and overseas, then beginning a new job and resuming studies - pretty much everything but dating. My plan had gone out the window.

Have you ever had the experience of things not going to plan? Let me clarify: have you ever had the experience of things not going according to your plans? And I'm not talking just about petty stuff; but things like losing loved ones, missing out on a job opportunity, relationships breaking down, failing subjects at school or uni, getting a serious sporting injury - things that shoot down our dreams.

Most of us can probably name at least one moment in our lives where what we had planned was obviously never going to come to fruition. That moment can be filled with pain, frustration, confusion, and if you're anything like me, you feel like yelling out to God "WHAT THE HECK???"

It might seem childish to blame God when things go wrong but let's be real, sometimes life can feel unjust; and when life begins to go a different direction it can be a painful experience letting go of all the things we had come to expect. Sometimes it feels like the only thing we can do is get angry at God.

I think too often the Christian life is portrayed as the "I found God in my life and I lived happily ever after" story. But God never promised us happy ever after. God never promised an instant fix. Give us this day our daily bread does not mean "spoon feed me graces daily!"

The Christian life is about choice: the choice to know, love and serve God when its easy and when its hard. As hard as it is sometimes, the greatest grace we have in the face of the most challenging and painful circumstances is to keep hoping and trusting in God.

When I left the seminary I though I had life all figured out - and I let everybody know about it too. I thought I knew exactly what God was calling me to do. My experience over the last three years was exactly the opposite: I had no idea where I was going or where God was calling me. At times it was painful, because it felt like I didn't know God anymore.

Is it ok to struggle with faith? Absolutely! Even Jesus struggled: he had times of confusion, times of struggle, times of frustration, times of anger and even agonised with the Father before he faced his Passion. Jesus showed us that faith isn't about some soft and fluffy, feel good fairy tale. He showed us that faith is about the real and difficult struggle to hope in God in all situations.

As I once told my younger brother: my faith doesn't magically transform my life into a fairy tale, but it does give me something I can lean on and hope in when things get tough, confusing or challenging. And really, that's what vocation is about. We can get so caught up on "priesthood" or "marriage" or "religious life" or even "occupation/career" and how we're meant to figure that out.

But ultimately what vocation is about is relationship with God. And I mean a real relationship, not this "I heart Jesus" rubbish, but a relationship where we're honest with ourself and God; that relationship is all that matters. Plans, careers, states of life - they can all go out the window; because an authentic relationship with God brings meaning even to the most challenging of situations.

"Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you: therefore he will rise up to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice: blessed are all those who wait for him." (Isaiah 30:18)

Authenticity

When I was in high school I was the hip-hopping, basketballing, wanna-be gangsta rapper. I was passionate about being true to that image. You could say in high school, I was fresh:

I didn't look exactly like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, but I did wear the baggy clothes, listen to hip hop music and walk around constantly dribbling a basketball. Fast forward seven years to now and my image is drastically different. My clothing has changed, my music tastes have sophisticated and I only occasionally walk around with a basketball - I'm having an identity crisis!

Ok, so maybe I'm over dramatising a little bit, but it's a question I've been reflecting on: what does it mean to be authentic? Authenticity is a word that gets thrown around a lot, but I don't think we really understand what it means. Is authenticity about staying true to who you are and ignoring what other people suggest? Is it about sticking to your guns? While "being true to yourself" and "sticking to your guns" are nice sentiments, I think these are narrow definitions of authenticity. 

I think authenticity is actually about being true to the journey God calls us to.

Along my faith journey I encountered God in others; and it made me question: what do people encounter in me? In high school I think people encountered a hip-hopping, basketballing, wanna-be gangsta rapper, who had no interest in the way other people did things. I don't think my school friends encountered God in me. I was authentic to my personality, but not authentic to my faith - which I value more than any of my likes or interests.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that we all have personalities, we all have quirks, we all have labels which we use to define our identity. These things aren't necessarily bad; but they can be a distraction or a barrier to people encountering God in you. If authenticity is only about being true to yourself, then that's all people will ever encounter in you.

I've kept this pretty surface level so far, but let's go a bit deeper. If we look at our church and our world and we're brutally honest, then we see there's still a lot of discrimination and prejudice out there, there are factions and cliques, there is a lot of unjustified hurt. We're at a point in history when technology and resources have never been so sophisticated, yet people are still suffering in our world - it's absurd! Are we as Christians responding to God's call? 

If we're going to talk about being "authentic in our faith" or being "authentic Christians", then we need to get real about that. Authenticity needs to translate practically into our daily lives. I think what it comes down to is we all need to act on the question: how am I being God in my school/workplace/family/wherever?

When we reflect on that question honestly then we might have to make some changes in ourselves. That doesn't mean we're not being authentic to ourselves. But it does mean we begin to live more for others; and I think that is what authenticity is all about.

Scraping the Surface

You know you work in a Catholic workplace when you casually bump into a Bishop in the elevator. That's exactly what happened to me the other day when I was heading out for lunch. I hopped into the lift to head down when it stopped at the next floor and in walked one of Brisbane's bishops, as well as another gentleman. They were engaged in a conversation, which finished abruptly as they stepped through the elevator doors.

"We just scraped the surface in that meeting, didn't we? But, that's all we can do in any situation in life really: scrape the surface," Bishop said, eyes gleaming.

Scraping the surface - sometimes it feels like that's all we accomplish when we begin to ask questions about faith, life and calling. Maybe, like me, you're only too familiar with the feeling of having questions answered with more questions!

I feel like in my life I'm just scraping the surface. Later this year I turn twenty-four, which to me is the age when ages don't sound so young anymore! I'm approaching my mid-twenties, yet I haven't finished my degree, I'm not married, I drive a Granny car...All the things that (in my mind) came with this age, I haven't yet accomplished. I guess you could say I'm having a "mid-twenties crisis"!

The question I ask when I visit schools is "where are you going?" The irony is I don't know where I'm going. I have this job with the Vocations team at the moment, but after that I have no idea. I feel like with all I'm doing now, I'm just scraping the surface of what God is calling me to do with my life.

That's not to say that goal setting is unimportant or unnecessary; but what I've come to learn through my "scraping" is that things don't always go according to my plans. But my scraping and questioning and seeking has led to all sorts of wild opportunities I would have never expected. I'm creeping up to my mid-twenties having not met any of my expectations, but sometimes in our scraping we are called to let go of pre-conceived expectations, our perfectionism, and our check-lists.

I believe that when we scrape towards the depths of faith, life and calling; we realise that God's call is bigger, grander and far more awesome than any list of accomplishments we might have for our life. It might not make sense now, but we just got to keep scraping away. After all, that's all we can do in life really, isn't it?

One year later

About twelve months ago I moved out of Canali House. Canali House is a house set up in the Archdiocese of Brisbane for men to discern priesthood. The best way I can explain it is by saying it provides men with the time and space to look further into priesthood while still continuing their work or study.

I lived in the house for three months, two years after leaving the seminary. Discernment wasn't new to me. I had many motivations for moving in, but the main motivation was, after having left the seminary, am I meant to go back or do I shut the door on priesthood?

It was my full intention to live in the house for a year, but after three months I discerned it was time to move on. I was prompted by a strong gut feeling, which developed into reasonings which prompted me to have some challenging conversations with my mentors and trusted friends. All this lead to the realisation in myself that God had a different pathway for me.

Despite leaving the house, I continued in my role with Vocations Brisbane. I moved into a share house with good friends and I embarked upon a new chapter of my life.

Discerning God's call in our lives doesn't always lead to a "yes". Sometimes discernment proves to us we're not called to particular state of life or ministry; and it takes great humility to accept that. But discernment always starts with a "yes".

I think sometimes we complicate the discernment process. We can make it all about "me" or we can make it all about God, thus rendering ourselves as too poor and lowly to ever serve God. Discernment is about saying "yes". God says "yes" first: yes I love you and I call you to serve me and the church. We respond with our "yes": yes I believe in you and I'll seek your calling on my life.

I know from experience how easy it can be to feel ashamed, guilty or unworthy. That happens when we lose sight of what discernment is about. That happens when we get locked into our own plans. That happens when we stop saying "yes".

Twelve months later I look back on my "yes" to join Canali House. Even though it lead to a "no" to priesthood, it has freed me up to embrace my calling to work in vocations ministry. It equipped me with experience and skills to do the work I do. It also deepened my relationship with God and strengthened my hope in that relationship.

Vocation is about being generous in our service of God, the church and the world. Discerning that vocation isn't always easy. As I write this it's Easter Sunday, a day in which we celebrate joyfully the Resurrection. But you don't get to the Resurrection without first experiencing the Cross or the Tomb. When we say "yes" we might have to face "crucifixions" and ""tombs", but God resurrects.

We are an "Easter people". That means we have hope: hope in God's "yes" to us; and hope that our "yes" will transform our own lives and the world we live in.

How have you BEAN discerning?

Do you know the process that goes into producing coffee? I mean, not just add hot water and put it in a cup; but the process that goes into producing the beans that you use? I don't. I just know I enjoy the coffee.

Right now as I write this, I have a coffee connoisseur in my ear explaining how coffee differs depending on where the beans are grown, how they're grown, sunlight conditions, and when they're harvested. He's now telling me about how they're processed, the way that grinding the beans actually happens, and when beans from several regions are blended together it tastes completely different to beans that are single origin. What about how you take it: espresso, latte, cappuccino, macchiato, long black, perhaps with soy or full cream?

I love coffee, but I don't ever stop to think about the process which produces the caffeinated goodness I enjoy so much.

What I'm getting at is that life is like coffee: there's a whole process that goes into it. As an impatient young person seeking my vocation it can get very frustrating waiting and waiting and waiting to arrive at my vocation. I get sick of discerning - I want my future NOW!

Have you ever had a bad coffee before? When the process is rushed it shows in the results. The same can be said of discernment: when you rush the process, or don't make an authentic effort; it will have an effect on your life and on your vocation. 

Discernment isn't about going through the motions or ticking all the boxes to find the quickest possible route to ordination, consecration or marriage. Discernment is about being brutally honest with yourself and with God about the direction of your life. Discernment will lead to an answer or result, but it should also bring more questions. Ordination, consecration or marriage isn't the end game: the state of life which we're called to opens doors to even more directions to serve God and God's people.

My advice to other young people frustrated with discernment is to remember what the process is about. If you're frustrated about not knowing which state of life God is calling you to, then pause and see where God has placed you NOW. If you're stuck and not sure which direction to go then take a (prayerful) risk and choose a pathway.

Instant vocations are like instant coffee - the quicker the process, the poorer the results. Yes, a proper coffee takes a bit more time and effort; but the more emphasis we place on the process, the more quality the end result will be. The way in which we live and engage our vocation, our church and the world wholly depends on the way in which we engage the discernment process. If you're frustrated, impatient or sick of discerning, it means you're probably doing something right.

Uncertainty

Tonight is the Archbishop's Annual Vocation Dinner. It's a dinner for young men who are interested in looking closer at priesthood. As the men file into the Archbishop's residence, the scene is marked with an air of uncertainty: some of the men are uncertain as to why they're there (some are there because someone else has dobbed them in), some are uncertain about priesthood; and even some are uncertain about the direction of their life.

Uncertainty is a feeling most of us are familiar with. It's also a feeling most of us are uncomfortable with. In a world where a Google search is just a few keyboard strokes away, we don't cope so well when we don't have answers readily available to us.

I think answers are overrated. Or at least we've overestimated the value we've placed on answers. As I often say to young people: it's not about knowing the answer, it's about knowing to ask the question.

One of my favourite movies is I Robot. In a futuristic world where robots play a major role in society, Will Smith portrays Homicide Detective Spooner, who is investigating the suspicious "suicide" of Dr Alfred Lanning. Lanning leaves an interactive holographic message for Spooner. The hologram has clues about the case, but Spooner must ask "the right question".

Whether or not you've seen the movie, there's a lesson we can draw from it. The answers we receive are a reflection of the questions we ask. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer! Uncertainty isn't a bad thing...as long as we're asking the right questions. While it's important to question what job or career path lies ahead of us, it's much more important to ask (regardless of which path we follow) "what sort of person am I called to be?"

The challenge for us is to not let our discomfort with uncertainty prevent us from asking the BIG questions. When we're real and honest with ourselves and with God, the answers will come. And when we arrive at those answers, we want to be ready for them. That readiness is dependent on embracing the questions, the uncertainty and the discomfort.

At the end of the day, what our world and our church needs is people who have embraced their call. We can only fully embrace our call if we've fully embraced the questions. Hopefully, tonight a group of young men will confront that uncertainty and embrace their call.

Taking the "M" out of "OMG"

Recently I was giving a talk to a group of young adults about vocation and discernment. Trying to be trendy I cheekily named the talk "OMG, where am I going?" I know, cheesy right?

But when we look at that acronym, we see a big "M" in the middle of it. The problem with the "M" in "OMG" is that it literally puts "me" in the center. It's a mentality that has run rampant in our world: the world revolves around me. Even for those of us who would call ourselves well meaning Christians, it's so easy to get caught up in "what am I meant to be doing with my life?" We make ourselves the subject.

The danger of the "M" in "OMG" is that it can minimise the relevance of God in the equation. We turn in on ourselves, ignoring the needs of the community and ignoring the relationship we have with God. The search for God becomes a search for meaning within ourselves. We become mystic naval gazers.

Remember the Exodus story? The Israelites were enslaved by the Egyptians, God brings plagues upon the Egyptians and leads the Israelites to freedom through the parted Red Sea (Exodus 4-15). Despite their new found freedom, the Israelites were still focused on the "M": they grumbled about a lack of food and water (Ex 15-16) and even created new gods (Ex 32) to satisfy their own desires (as a side note: the Israelites complained about a lack of food and water, but were resourceful enough to make a statue of a calf out of gold? Priorities people!) They wandered aimlessly around the desert for 40 years until they were ready to follow God into the Promised Land. Their search for meaning was based on themselves, not on God.

But what happens when we take the "M" out of "OMG"? We're left with a beautifully simple prayer: "O God!" We take ourselves out of the picture, we strip away all the extra crap that might be weighing us down, and we turn completely to God. "O God" can be a prayer of joy, a prayer of anger, a prayer of lament or a prayer of confusion.

In Lent we're presented with another "desert" experience, one that dramatically contrasts the Israelites desert wandering. Jesus spends 40 days and 40 nights in the desert (Matthew 4). But far from aimlessly wandering, he is lead to the desert by the Spirit, where even though he is tempted by the devil, his focus is still on God.

The question for us in the last two weeks of Lent is which is our desert experience? Have our Lenten practices led us to God, or led us to the "M"? That's a question not just for Lent, but as we live out the Easter mystery throughout our whole lives: how will the death and resurrection of Jesus lead us to know, love and serve God and other? Or like the Israelites in the desert, will we worship the golden calves of our consumerist society?

As we prepare for the mystery of Easter, let's take the "M"out of "OMG", and whichever season of life we find ourselves in let our prayer be simple and focused: "O God!

Narratives

This semester at uni I'm studying Old Testament Narratives. I've always had a head for literature, reading, writing, for story; and there's something about that word narrative that really captivates me. Check out this definition of narrative, taken from the Oxford dictionary:

"Your life is a story" is my throw away vocation/life-journey line; but actually there's something profound about this definition.

1. A narrative is an "account of connected events; a story..." That seems pretty straightforward and obvious, but substitute "narrative" with words like "life", "vocation" or "faith-journey". Sometimes the connections between events in our lives aren't that obvious, it might take some prayer, counselling, mentoring or time to join the dots. Establishing those connections and the story that they tell will give flesh to your understanding of your life and your place in the world and the Church.
2. Narrative is "the narrated part" of a story. A story has an implied narrator. The big question is who is your narrator? If the answer is God, how do you follow the story he sets out before you? How do you respond to the story line, the plot and the other characters? Ultimately the overarching plot belongs to the Narrator, are we listening and aware to the story God is telling?
3. Narrative is the "art of telling stories." Your story and the way it becomes enveloped into the greater story of Creation isn't meant to be kept to yourself. Your life has been impacted by stories artfully lived, whether by your parents, a friend, a teacher or a random by-passer. How do we "artfully live our stories"?
4. Narrative involves reflecting or conforming "to an overarching set of aims and values." Reflect and conform, listen and respond, discern and decide: the relationship between us and our God is the call that God places on our lives. That call at it's most basic (yet grand) level is to know, love and proclaim God. As we live that storyline the plot escalates as we discover the state of life God calls us to (i.e. ordained, single, married or consecrated life). As we journey through the chapters in our lives we discover vocations within our vocation (e.g. to a ministry, service or an occupation).

We're connected to something much bigger, broader, further and deeper than just our own plot. When we plot our own lives to become part of the greater story of the whole of Creation, not only will meaning seep off of the pages of our own life, but it will also seep into the stories of those around us. "Once upon a time" and "happily ever after" might be corny and cheesy, so let's focus instead on story lines like "for God so loved the world", "He came so we might have life to the full" and "thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."

Easy Peasy Discernment

I found this article online this afternoon which I think speaks a lot of truth about life, faith and calling. It's true that figuring out your vocation (and then living it out) can be complicated. Here's a secret though: it doesn't have to be!

Almost exactly four years ago I was just starting my seminary journey. On the 9th of January 2010, my mother brought me to the seminary on my "first day of priest-school". Thus began a year of discernment, wrestling with God and myself, separating apart what I had thought was my vocation and what was slowly developing as God's actual call on my life. Discernment got complicated.

With my mum on the first day at Holy Spirit Seminary.

Eventually I made the decision to withdraw from formation. I spent the next few months (and as I look back now, it's really been the last few years) trying to piece together the where, how, why, when and (the big one) what of God's call for my life. There were feelings of unworthiness and confusion: why would I be called to seminary only to discover I'm not meant to be a priest?

That last sentence is pretty revealing of what was going on in me as I discerned: it had become all about me. My prayers, my questioning and my discernment were focused on the "I", on my calling. It's easy to focus the discernment journey on ourselves; at which point we need to make a necessary shift and remind ourselves: it's not my call, it's God's call. Now, given that we have free will and we have to choose that call; what I'm saying is that vocation isn't ever just about you. The vocation question is (or at least should be): how am I called to serve God and the Church?

Taking the focus off yourself removes the influence of feelings, fears, insecurities and expectations. With the focus on God and on the people of God we can find added motivation to make those "big decisions" about our vocation.

In my own life, the decision to serve within the Vocations Centre was a really an easy one to make; because I was able to see how my experiences could serve as gift and inspiration to others seeking their own vocation. It's funny, because I was able to find personal fulfillment not in seeking it for myself, but in seeking to serve God and the Church.

So, my advice? Discerning a vocation is easy IF your discernment is focused on God and the people of God. With God and the Church at the heart of your discernment, all that's left to do is make a decision and pray about it. It sounds simplistic, but that's because it doesn't have to be so complicated. Trust in God, be honest in prayer and be integral in your decisions and you will find your calling.